she looked like the before picture.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
