flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
