i'm signing you up for texting rehab
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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