My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
