her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
