A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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