i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
