Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
You're like the curious george of whores
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
