I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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