textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
