Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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