I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
