she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
