Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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