I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
