I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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