I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
