the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
