I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
