I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
