I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize