I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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