so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
