i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
