eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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