Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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