I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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