Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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