Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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