new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
