Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
