her vagina looked like bernie madoff
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
