My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
