Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
