my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
