I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
