you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I stole a fireplace last night.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
