I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
