The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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