why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
