If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Randomize
