according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
