We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
