You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
