Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
