I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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