I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
