Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
