My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
