Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
