I've blown a few things in my day
you have to choose: penises or morals?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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