i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
her facebook's as public as her vagina
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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