Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
